I’ve been exploring the idea of “softness” in a new way. Just recently – and perhaps for the first time – I brought a lovely shade of lavender into my consciousness during my morning meditation. This color seemed to represent a kind of gentleness – which is not necessarily my default setting.
Growing up, I tended to fend for myself which hatched this kind of “I can do it all” attitude, which subsequently affected my ability to create healthy, reciprocal relationships. I admit it, I can be rigid. Take my finances, for instance. I mean, who says I have to do it all by myself? Of course, there has been this lifetime desire to be financially independent and secure and when that shift finally happened, it felt good.
Conversely, when I returned from one of my infamous Creative Retreats in Bali, my finances were a little out of whack and I seized up. I couldn’t bare the idea of financial help. I felt almost sick at the thought of asking for money.
In fact, this one time, on a date with a nice gentleman, I gratefully accepted his offer to pay for dinner, but ultimately viewed him as a peer whose financial successes I aspire to…versus the possibility of combined income with him as a potential partner.
Sometimes, I would even notice a subtle judgement tucked in the corners of my consciousness when I met someone who didn’t really need to work because they had combined income with a partner – or is completely taken care of. I thought, well how could she possibly understand my plight as female-solopreneur-warrior-woman-who-fends-for-herself, and is solely responsible for keeping my ass off skid row? What does this say about me? I may be ready for love, but am I ready to open my mind and heart to the idea of being supported financially by a partner?
This question sheds light on the real root of my resistance. And begets yet another question. Do I have a receptivity problem? Am I a perfectionistic Giver whose default is: “go out there and make it happen?”
The truth is, in order to anchor into the Divine Feminine, the compassionate mother (to myself, as much as to others), I must soften my edges.
Even in my rugged self-reliance and anti-codependence, there must be balance. The Universe demands it to be so.
So, where is this elusive sweet spot of being whole, autonomous, completely fluent in the art of self-care, Divinely attuned to self and the supple receptivity, openness, gentle disposition of allowing my needs to be met by others?
There is a delicate balance here and I fully intend to explore it. My deepest desire is to grow into a vulnerable and open hearted warrior – completely capable of taking care of myself whilst simultaneously able to allow others to care for me, as well. Yes, I do like the sound of that.